Who am I, O Lord, that You Should Give Glance to Me?


What is it to be seen? I. once, found myself in the presence of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Temporally speaking-mere seconds, yet, hers was an eternal gaze. She was seated at the head of a long table. At this table were numerous people who were there but not distinguishable. Mary, who was cut in sharp relief in simple white tunic and uncovered hair draped as a veil over her shoulders, sat with her back to me as I approached her from behind. She turned her gaze upon me-all this lasting only moments-and looked at me with a look that even in remembering, was so complete, so deep that even now seems to tear the flesh from my bones, my bone from its marrow, and dissolve that marrow leaving only light to shine through me, all darkness evaporated. I am blown away as shattered, stirred dust before a mighty wind. I and every darkness of my being drawn into the Light.

The Blessed Virgin said nothing. Her eyes held no judgement, only understanding. The Handmaiden saw me, a vision the depth of which even I am denied, remarkable in that it is my very being, my very soul, my very life being laid open. Locked on her eyes, I was aware of her incomparable beauty, still I could not break her gaze for only in her eyes could my being find solace for she was, as clothed with the sun, far to brilliant to look upon.

Lost in the contemplation of this great mystic as though caught in a steel trap all self-judgement, self-condemnation fell upon me, still within her there was no judgement as judgement belongs to God alone. What a monster I am to be beheld by this purity, this innocence. There is no naiveté in innocence, rather a pure and uncorrupt strength, a clarity of the nature of things, a non-polluted truth. Ne’er a word said she and was gone.

What was the Light into which my darkness was drawn? What is the Light that clothes the Queen of Heaven and emanates from her twelve starred crown? What is the Light that burns though illusions and has the power to purify even the most corrupt, foul, wretched, wicked, fetid, putrid, scum-encrusted soul such as my own? That Light is the Gaze of the Lord. In His Gaze, in His Light is Life. This is why in Psalm 51, we beg Him to “turn away thy face from my sin” so as to “block out my inequity,” for in the darkness all things die. When I am in darkness, death is upon me. When I walk in the Light of the Lord, I live. All things will be brought to the light on the Day of Judgement and those who know the Light and the Light knows them will move forward into the presence of the Lord, but those who would desire to retreat into the shadows, to hide from the Light, to say to the Lord, “Look not upon me that I may do as I will!’ will thus be allowed to chart their course to eternal death.

This Gaze, this look, which from the Blessed Virgin’s eyes fell, is the look with which our Lord shall cast upon us. One’s self-judgement, self-condemnation, own arrogance in assuming the prerogative of God will be that which judges one. If one thinks oneself justified, if one presumes either this way or that one will seal one’s own damnation. If, however, one humbly recognizes all that one has done, neither judging it good or bad, but repenting of all one’s sin and humbly submits oneself without judgement to God then one shall be saved. For Jesus, the Lord of the House know all, the truth of all. If one think to know oneself, if one would define oneself, if one would “presume to show God who one is?” Then the Lord of the House will say, “Depart from me for I know not from where thoust comest!” For in self-justification, in self-definition a person ceases to show oneself as God’s Creation, but in the moment is presenting oneself as one’s own creation. Claiming that sovereignty is the sin of Satan saying, “Lord, you will accept me as I see myself, not as you have made me!” In such mind, with such words, one chooses one’s own damnation.


THY WILL BE DONE! Behold the Handmaiden of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to Thy Word. Heal my blindness. Bring me into the Light.

Thus I pray, in the words of my Consecration to the Blessed Virgin:

Hasten to me humble Handmaiden, I pray Thee, prepare me, purge me, purify me, scourge me, mock me, place my cross upon me that I may follow in the footsteps of Thy Son. Lead me, guide me, drag me, Fair Mistress, down the straight path, through the narrow gate to my crucifixion that I may faithfully and obediently harken to the call and command of our Lord and Redeemer Jesus Christ. Let it be done to me according to His Word, so that like Thee, most Blessed amongst Women, my soul may magnify the Lord and my spirit rejoice in God my Savior. These things, O most Beautiful and Blessed Virgin Mary, of Thee I humbly beg. . .


© 24 October 2021

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